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Batman: Jazz 3
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. It's time to put an end to this cacophony of crap, (holds up hands, as if there's supposed to a comic) "Batman: Jazz"! (looks at his hands, noticing he's holding nothing) And once again, the comic has not arrived yet. (Cut to black) Linkara (v/o): (dramatically) Previously on "Batman: Jazz". (Cut to a shot of the cover of "Batman: Fortunate Son" as Linkara begins his recap of the series) Linkara (v/o): The write of "Batman: Fortunate Son" decided to take on jazz music... (Cut to shots of the "Batman: Jazz" series) Linkara (v/o): ...and crafted a conspiracy theory about a real-life musician who tragically died from substance abuse and instead made him fake his death so he could go to Europe and return under a fake name and play in jazz clubs that have a very loose dress code. He was then attacked by three demonic Picasso paintings called the Brothers of the Bop and put into a hospital. And then somehow Batman got involved in all of this, because, apparently, Gerard Jones, the writer, thinks that Batman is the guy who tackles musical genres instead of the Joker. Linkara: So until we finally see these creators make (make "finger quotes") "Batman: Country Folk Hero", let's dig into "Batman: Jazz #3". (''AT4W title card plays; title card has smooth jazz playing in the background. Cut to a closeup of the comic)'' Linkara (v/o): The cover features one of those Brothers of the Bop demon things, but giant-sized and trying to eat Batman. Linkara: "Batman vs. Godzilla" proved to be a shocking disappointment. Linkara (v/o): Is it sad that among the three covers for this miniseries, this is the one I understand the most? And yet, we still have no idea what the hell these Brothers of the Bop things are. Also, there's blood seeping out of the thing's mouth, which means one of two possibilities: either Batman has actually gotten one of his legs chomped off, or the demon bopper has a serious gum disease problem. (The comic opens to the first page) Linkara (v/o): When we last left off, Batman was following up on a lead at some palatial mansion where he hopes to get some answers about Blue Byrd, the jazz musician in this story. Batman: (narrating) Blue Byrd. Jazz musician. Junkie. Victim of racism. Con man. Wounded boy without a father. Linkara: (as Batman, wearing his mask) The movie rights alone on this are gonna make me a killing. Batman: (narrating) Everyone who describes him paints a different man. Linkara: (as Batman) It's almost like human beings are complex and interact with different people in a variety of ways that shape the image they have of him, but that can't be right. Linkara (v/o): I want answers to this mystery-- as if the mystery were somehow about my own soul. Linkara: Look, stop trying to pretend the story has anything to do with Batman! Unless it ends with Batman doing (makes motions like he's playing a saxophone) a saxophone solo, this isn't about his soul! Linkara (v/o): He's at this mansion because it's the home of a gangster Lucha that supplied drugs to Byrd back in the day. Naturally, Batman is easily able to get past all the guards and reaches the gangster, who's now old and wheelchair-bound. Al Lucha: Now that we got us a little privacy... what do you want to talk about? Linkara: (as Batman) Well, yeah, we've got privacy, but you promised me dinner, too. (crosses arms) This date is awful! Linkara (v/o): Dear Lord, stylized artwork or not, look at how terrible Batman looks. Aside from the fact that he looks like a squat troll or a Sontaran with bat ears, his cape is massive! Did he parachute in with that thing? Batman asks if Blue Byrd owes the guy money. Al: Hey, I'm legit these days. Linkara: (as Al) I'm totally legit with my heavily-armed bodyguards outside. I'm only high on one thing now: life! (dances in his seat while singing) You make me feel like dancing... Batman: Did Byrd fake his death in 1955 to escape your enforcers? Did you send the Brothers of the Bop to kill him when he resurfaced? Is this whole thing about nothing but a lousy busted drug deal? Linkara (v/o): Okay, Batman, this is stretching it beyond belief. No gangster sends bebop-themed supervillains to assassinate an old jazz player who owed him some drug money forty years earlier. Maybe kill him, but not go to elaborately silly measures to do so. But yeah, he denies sending the Brothers of the Bop, but of course has his own elaborate yarn about his view of Blue Byrd. Namely, it's how much he used his music to have sex with women and how much he hated white people. Al: (narrating) He hated white people, that's what I think. That's how he got back at us--through our dames! Linkara: Batman should add some more descriptors to criminals. They're not only superstitious and cowardly, but amazingly racist and stupidly paranoid. Al: (narrating) Buzzy Treadwell, he knew what his bread was buttered! He got rich off of white people! Linkara: (sarcastically) He was the creator of Friends?! Linkara (v/o): The gangster states that Buzzy Treadwell, the guy Blue Byrd got into a fight with onstage in their final public performance, is the one who actually shipped Byrd off to Europe and helped fake his death. It wasn't the drugs that had done him in, but Buzzy had slipped him something to make it look like he was dead. The gangster agreed to help, figuring it would mean setting Byrd up with his French connection, who would in turn owe him a favor for sending him a big spender. Linkara: At the very least, it might make for a decent Gene Hackman movie. Linkara (v/o): The plan backfired when Byrd stopped doing drugs in Europe. Linkara: Which is kind of weird, since a lot of Americans go to Europe to do drugs. Linkara (v/o): Batman then pulls the helpless wheelchair-bound man from his chair and demands to know if he sent the Brothers of the Bop after Byrd when he returned. And of course, the gangster has to remind the world's greatest detective that ordinary criminal empires like his don't want big, flashy, over-the-top supervillain types like that getting the attention of the cops or anything. Good Lord, Batman! Did Stryfe loan you his cape?! Why is it extended so high up off your shoulder? Hell, why is your shoulder halfway up your head? Is your head sinking into your neck?! The gangster suggests that maybe Buzzy Treadwell decided to try killing Byrd, and Batman swears he'll be back if he's lied to him. Al: Hey, you think Al Lucha cares about one little musician? I ran the whole uptown scene! I elected mayors in this town. Governors. Linkara: (as Al) Senators, presidents, United Nations secretary generals! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! Al: Hell, I helped the O.S.S. with the invasion o' Sicily in '45*. There wouldn't be no C.S.I. without me. I was big then. *NOTE: Al actually says "'43", because that is actually when Sicily was indeed invaded during World War II. Linkara (v/o): And we see him alone and small in his large room. Linkara: (mock sadness) Aw, it's really sad and pathetic that the criminal drug kingpin isn't as important anymore. Why did we need to end the scene like this? (shrugs in confusion) Linkara (v/o): Batman returns to the hospital, hoping that Byrd is strong enough now to answer some questions, but finds the Countess in the middle of trying to move him to her apartment to try to take care of him in privacy – and possibly security, given that a public hospital has plenty of openings for somebody to assassinate him, and not just with eighth-note bombs like in the last issue. Batman asks her if Buzzy Treadwell could be responsible, and she reveals that indeed, she's read him the Riot Act before on his performance style. Countess: I told him that his hip-talk and his costume would kill the truth in jazz! Linkara: What she means is that Buzzy Treadwell had become a jazz-themed superhero. (makes a tossing motion) Little saxophone-shaped projectiles. This guide is not complete. Please finish. Category:Content Category:Guides Category:AT4Wguides Category:Transcripts Category:DC Comics Category:Batman